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Revisiting 1990: Dances With Wolves

August 18, 2010

Considered For: Top 5

“Turned Injun, didn’t yeh?”

I can’t say I was looking forward to watching Dances With Wolves as its run time was intimidating (3 hours, 45 minutes) and the story didn’t really scream of excitement. Usually when I’m not amped up for a sweeping epic, I’ll start the movie a couple of times, watch about ten minutes, before giving up and sending it back to Netflix. It did take me roughly 48 hours to make it through Dances With Wolves, but I found myself enjoying it a lot more than I was expecting.

Based on a novel, the story thrusts us into an undisclosed time in history and introduces us to Lt. John Dunbar (Kevin Costner) suffering from a wound on his leg that most likely will cost him the limb. Next thing you know, Dunbar forces his foot into a boot and starts riding a horse in the middle of an open war zone, basically on a suicide mission. The opposition apparently has the worst shot in the world as Dunbar survives unharmed, rallies his troops, and is eventually seen as a hero. He’s rewarded for his efforts by receiving a post in an isolated fort on the frontier to be manned by himself.

At this fort, Dunbar becomes lonely and finds that his only company is his horse Sysco and a wolf he names Two Socks that frequents the area. Before long, a few Indians show up and after realizing that the white man is not a threat, Dunbar finds himself assimilating in their culture. The majority of the film focuses on Dunbar’s experience with the Sioux tribe, conveniently assisted by a white woman (Mary McDonnell) the tribe had taken in as a child, but ultimately, conflict arises, and Dunbar finds himself at odds with the American Army.

I’m no fan of Kevin Costner as an actor and his perfomance in Dances With Wolves, although Oscar-nominated, is nothing spectacular either. Dunbar is a good character, but Costner doesn’t bring anything extra to the table and I can imagine several more talented actors making this an iconic character. I’m not really sure what to make of Mary McDonnell’s performance either. She has gone on to star in one of my favorite science fiction shows (Battlestar Galactica) and grew into a solid actress. Her work here was Oscar-nominated as well, but she spent the majority of the movie with a seemingly blank look on her face. Perhaps it was because her character, Stands With A Fist, was in mourning for most of the movie, but the effect left me slightly unimpressed. The best acting in this movie is clearly done by the Native Americans and any movie that can take actors I’m not familiar with and turn them into memorable characters gets kudos from me.

spoilers ahead

I wasn’t really moved by Dances With Wolves, like I think I was supposed to be, but I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. It’s kind of weird that an animal (Two Socks) without a speaking role was my favorite character and the saddest parts in the film were when both Sysco and Two Socks got the ax. Sysco’s death made sense in the scheme of the scene, but killing off Two Socks was purely pointless. I refuse to believe a wild animal would stand still while humans are repeatedly shooting at it. The wolf can barely muster up the courage to take a piece of meat out of John Dunbar’s hand, but was willing to stand its ground and be shot to death? Really? The end of the film confused me as well. It concludes with Dunbar leaving the winter camp of the Sioux Indians with his new wife, Stands With A Fist, because he fears the whites are going to come looking for him. Well, if they are going to come looking for you, they’re no less likely to stop by the winter camp simply because you left. Does he think the American Army is going to show up and be like “Hey, is John Dunbar in? No? Okay, thanks… sorry to bother you.” No, there will be bloodshed regardless, so dude might as well stay and take part in the fight. It was a very weak way to complete an otherwise very enjoyable movie.

I wouldn’t rank this movie amongst my all-time greats, and I’m not going to say you have to see it if you’ve somehow missed it these past twenty years, but it’s worth watching and wasn’t nearly the chore I was expecting it to be. It’s a good story, with mediocre acting, and a solid directorial effort from Costner. Better than I was expecting, but definitely not worth it’s Best Picture Oscar.

Grade: B-
Viewings: 1
Replay Value: Most films with running times of 3+ hours are tough to watch repeatedly.
Oscars: Won 7 Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director (Costner), and Best Adapted Screenplay. Nominated for five others, including acting nominations for Costner, McDonnell, and Graham Greene.
Nudity: Mary McDonnell almost gets naked, but unfortunately nudity is limited to Kevin Costner’s ass… several times.

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Revisiting 1990: Miller’s Crossing

August 9, 2010

Considered For: Top 5

“What’s the rumpus?”

This is the first movie I watched on my quest to figure out the best movies of the past twenty years. I knew I’d seen it before, but for some reason I couldn’t remember anything about Miller’s Crossing. Even reading the synopsis didn’t ring much of a bell. I wonder how long it’s been since I’ve seen it… certainly since watching films has become important to me, which makes it weird that I was drawing a total blank. Not long into the movie though, things started clicking, and I remembered liking Miller’s Crossing very much. I left it off my initial top five list for 1990, but after getting a grilling on a hip-hop forum I post on for omitting it, I knew it was time to revisit this early Coen Brothers production.

Joel and Ethan Coen have been some really consistent filmmakers over the years. No Country For Old Men, The Big Lebowski, and Fargo all rank amongst my favorite films of their respective years, and now, Miller’s Crossing can be added to that list. I have no doubt that when my journey through 1990 is finished, this movie will be in my top five and, possibly, my top flick of the year. In Miller’s Crossing, the Coens tell a mob story that finds Tom Reagan (Gabriel Byrne) playing a loyal advisor to crime boss Leo (Albert Finney). Tom finds himself in hot water when it’s discovered that he’s banging the boss’ lady (Marcia Gay Harden), but Tom is never one to panic when he finds himself in hot water and always seems to have a plan in motion.

While I won’t say Miller’s Crossing is a spectacular mob film like, say, The Godfather, it’s definitely a solid story. Byrne plays Tom with a calm, cool, and collected suave… so much so, that you never doubt that he’s in control of all his problems. John Turturro shows up as Harden’s brother, and the cause of the initial conflict in the film…. the shmatte. He’s at his pathetic best when he’s taken out to Miller’s Crossing for his reckoning. Albert Finney, Marcia Gay Harden, and Jon Polito all give solid performances as well.

It’s probably been a while since most people have seen this movie and for those of you that haven’t, I’d highly recommend it. An early Coen Brothers classic!

Grade: A
Viewings: 2
Replay Value: Worth owning
Oscars: Snubbed
Nudity?: I don’t think so.

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Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire

August 5, 2010

I’d been avoiding Precious for a while before I finally got around to watching it. Something was telling me it was going to be slow… and boring… and I just couldn’t muster up the stomach to watch it. Even the title of the movie was holding me back. The fact that someone as obnoxious and seemingly untalented as Mo’Nique won an Oscar was extremely intriguing, however, and I just couldn’t ignore the accolades thrust upon this film any longer. I’m glad to say it was my most pleasant surprise of any 2009 film.

I was right about one thing… Precious is not an easy film. The story is dark and some of the characters are hard to watch, particularly Mo’Nique as Precious’ abusive, alcoholic mother Mary. Precious’ circumstances are grim; she’s pregnant with a second child from her own father, a fact that creates even more tension in her relationship with her mother. Rather than realizing the traumatic experience of her child, Mary blames Precious for tempting her husband and takes out her own feelings of inadequacy on her daughter, often physically. Meanwhile, Precious is struggling to fit in at school and is recommended to try alternative schooling, where she meets her new teacher Ms. Rain. Once here, Precious begins a quest to break free of her violent and demoralizing upbringing.

I never read the book this film was adapted from, so I have no idea how faithful the script is to the source material. Either way, the story here is one worth watching. Yeah, it’s not an easy watch, but most films dealing with tough themes aren’t. Sapphire has created a character that is easy to root for because at her core, she seems like a good person and is clearly a victim of circumstances. You will definitely be rooting for her.

The best thing about Precious is the acting. I would have bet a lot of money against Mo’Nique if someone ever suggested she would win an Oscar, but she KILLS her role in this movie. She’s brutal and heart-wrenching as Precious’ troubled mom. It’s one of those performances, like Heath Ledger in last year’s The Dark Knight or Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married, that make you go “where did that come from?” Gabourey Sidibe plays the title character and watching the movie you think she’s doing a decent job, but only because you have no idea who this actress really is. I was watching Sidibe in her audition and in various other extras on the DVD and it’s pretty clear that she has some serious acting chops. Her real personality sounds more like a white valley girl than a troubled, black woman so her transformation makes the performance all the more spectacular. As if Mo’Nique wasn’t surprising enough, I found myself enthralled by the woman playing Mrs. Weiss, Precious’ welfare counselor, and was somewhat shocked and appalled to discover that it was Mariah Carey. I really thought she did a terrific job and even though she looked like a Plain Jane in this movie, her beauty still shown through, as I found myself attracted to her and wondering who the actress was. I was wondering after the movie what I would have thought of her performance if I had known who she was from the jump. I feel like I would have been inclined to hate on her… but alas, I will never know.

Precious is a tough movie, but it’s one worth sitting through. It’s not my favorite movie of 2009 and probably not the best, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t the most powerful. As it stands, Precious would probably find a spot in my top five films of 2009. Highly recommended, if only for Mo’Nique’s brilliant performance.

Grade: A-
Viewings: 1
Replay Value: Not much… a great, one time film, but nothing I’d add to my DVD collection.
Oscar Watch: Nominated for six Oscars, including Best Picture and Director, with wins for Mo’Nique in Best Supporting Actress and Geoffrey Fletcher for Best Adapted Screenplay. Gabourey Sidibe was nominated for Best Actress.
Nudity: A couple of rape scenes that are obviously more stomach-turning than erection-inducing.

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Grown Ups Sucks

August 4, 2010

Grown Ups seemed like it would be a decent, light comedy, but I can’t really say I was too excited for this movie. Adam Sandler and company are well past their comedic primes. Sandler still has the capability of being funny, but Rob Schneider, Chris Rock and David Spade haven’t really been relevant for about a decade. And Kevin James, well, I like King Of Queens okay, but that’s about it. This movie would have me a lot more excited 10-15 years ago.

The premise of the film is that a group of guys that won a basketball championship as kids reunite as adults after their former coach dies… but the story isn’t important here. What’s important is that we have five guys that think they are comic legends and set out to make a hilarious movie. While my expectations were tempered heading in, the end result was still disappointing. The funniest part in the movie happens in the opening credits (Kevin James getting out of the pool in his yard) and it’s pretty much downhill from there. I’m not buying David Spade as a womanizer. Rob Schneider has pretty much never been funny and his character makes him even more annoying than usual here. Chris Rock, the funniest of the bunch, is basically nonexistent. Kevin James is fat and apparently that’s supposed to be funny over and over and over again… but it’s not. Adam Sandler is the straight man here… the most successful of the group (both in real life and in the film) and his character is ashamed of this. He’s constantly trying to hide the fact that his kids are beyond spoiled and that the Asian girl traveling with them is actually their nanny. Sandler provides the most laughs, but honestly, none so hilarious that I can remember them now.

Even with low expectations, Grown Ups still disappointed. I’m surprised that some people out there are eating this up. I don’t even want to waste too much time talking about it. I’d recommend skipping it unless you’re truly bored. It’s not atrocious, but it’s decent at best.

Grade: D+
Viewings: 1
Replay Value: One time rental at best.
Oscar Watch: Not gonna happen.
Nudity: Give me Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, and Rob Schneider’s ridiculously hot daughters naked in this movie and I’d give it a B… didn’t happen.

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The Best Movies Of The Past 20 Years

August 1, 2010

I’m going to start a series of posts highlighting the best movies of the past twenty years. I’ve made some pretty solid lists for the 1990s, but I feel there are a lot of important films that I either haven’t seen in forever or just haven’t ever watched. I was eight in 1990 and I didn’t really get into movies until 1999, so there is a bit of catching up to do. I’m going to start with the year 1990 and over the next couple of weeks, I’ll be watching some of the films from that year that I think should be considered and I’ll be posting mini-reviews for all of them. I’m going to start with the past twenty years and see how that goes, but I ultimately want to expand the series to the Best Movies Of My Life, which would date back to 1982.

For each year, I’m going to pick what I think is the best overall film and also include a list of my top 5. Since certain genres are often overlooked in Best Of lists, I’m also going to include my top comedy, horror, and animated movie for each year. Lastly, we all have a movie that we love but isn’t particularly good; something that holds a special spot in our heart anyways. For each year, I’ll be selecting my top guilty pleasure. Stay tuned. I’ll be starting on 1990 this week.

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Inception – A Total Mind-Fuck Of A Good Time

July 28, 2010

I saw Inception for the second time tonight. Well, sort of… I went with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago and after 4-5 drinks we headed to the theater and I was disappointed to find the movie already in progress. Not a good look for a film I knew was going to have a pretty tough story. Anyways, after about thirty minutes and several shared looks of confusion, we decided it was time to walk out. Drunk or not, I couldn’t believe I actually stepped out on a Chris Nolan film. Without question, he’s been my favorite director over the past half decade.

Deep in my heart I knew something was amiss and with all the critical acclaim, word of mouth, and the filmmaker’s background, it was time to give Inception another shot. I thought we had been about 15-20 minutes late the first time I went to see it, but after it took 90 minutes for me to recognize a scene from the movie, I realized we had walked into the wrong theater altogether. I guess that’s what happens when you try to point two drunk people in the right direction. Give us five minutes in the concession line and we’re going into the first theater we see that says Inception above it.

With sober eyes and a fresh start from the beginning, I’m in awe of this movie. From a writing standpoint, my mind is completely blown. The complexity of Nolan’s story is immense; I’m not going to pretend I understood everything that was happening, but the general story line is understandable and the difficulty of the script is going to provide for multiple enjoyable viewings in order to comprehend everything that’s going on. Not a lot of filmmaker’s would be able to make this movie, let alone turn it into a summer blockbuster, but not many people have the clout that The Dark Knight director has. Maybe I underestimate the intelligence of the general public, but I’m genuinely surprised that this movie has made $142 million in ten days and currently sits at #3 on IMDB’s top 250 all-time list. That gives Nolan three films in the top 30 and 5 in the top 110 of all-time and this guy only has six major releases under his belt.

While the story in this movie is what really captivated me, the camera work and special effects are a work of art themselves. People walk on walls and upside down, huge landscapes collapse upon each other, and large pieces of scenery are moved with a touch or a simple thought. The cinematography is also stunning as we are given several long shots of beautiful scenery.

The acting in this movie is kind of an afterthought and I thought everyone was solid. Nolan always casts well and usually keeps a close circle of actors he trusts around him. When he does branch out, he has a tendency to invoke stellar performances (think Heath Ledger as The Joker). I’m not sure we have any award-worthy performances here, but the entire cast does a great job. Nothing really needs to be said about Leonardo DiCaprio. I honestly think he might be the best actor of my generation. I think Ellen Page gets an unfair amount of flak, but I recognize her as one of the best young actresses and this movie does nothing to disprove my theory. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is someone that has really shocked me over the past year. The first time he made me go “hmmm” was in last year’s campy G.I. Joe, where he was nearly unrecognizable and a ton of fun as Cobra Commander. I saw the vastly overlooked (500) Days Of Summer earlier this year and that was the performance that made me realize this kid was legit. His work in Inception is just another step in the right direction of what looks to be a somewhat surprisingly promising career as a serious actor.

Inception is INSANE. I recommend you buy all your concessions before the movie starts and that you clear your bladder repeatedly ahead of time because this is the type of film where you could get lost if you step out for five minutes. The story is crazy, the acting is solid, and the visuals are stunning. Easily the best movie I’ve seen this year and it’s a film that will leave you thinking about it for a long time after, eager to see it again so you can get the full concept.

Second Helping (spoilers): I figured Inception needed to be seen at least twice within a close time frame. Chris Nolan seems to have that affect. The first time I watched Memento, as soon as it finished, I started it over and watched it again. I’ve never done that with a movie, before or since. I might have if I had seen Inception on DVD for the first time. The story was a lot easier to follow the second time through and you are able to pick up on a lot of things you couldn’t the first time. It’s a bit frustrating seeing it for a second time with someone seeing it for the first time. I kept looking at my friend throughout the movie and I really didn’t feel like she was having the same experience I was. I kept asking questions and getting the wrong answers. During the climax, after another failed oral exam, I started announcing to her what level of dream they were in every time they cut scenes. Finally, she got it, but after the movie her overall vibe was “it was okay,” which is an unacceptable response.

I read somewhere speculation that Cobb’s totem wasn’t the spinner because that was his wife’s. That much was true, but after spending the entire second viewing looking for a possible totem for him, I found nothing. There’s also been speculation about the very end of the movie. Is he still dreaming? The scene closes with the top still spinning, which leaves open the option that he was indeed dreaming. I’m not buying it. If you can follow the different levels of dreaming, you can identify what appears to be the “conscious level” for all the characters… and during this “conscious level” we have seen Cobb spin the top and watch it fall. Unless we are being hoodwinked by fancy film-editing, and somewhere between Cobb getting off the plane and coming home to his children someone has put him back into a dream state, then that top at the end of the movie eventually falls… we just don’t get to see it because Chris Nolan can be a bastard like that.

A great movie a second time through and I think the director’s commentary on the DVD will be one of the most anticipated of all-time, which probably means Nolan won’t do one. Give us a great Batman 3 and we’ll forgive you anyway, Chris.

Grade: A
Viewings 2
Replay Value: A must-own DVD requiring repeated viewings
Oscar Watch: I can’t imagine anything edging this out for Best Original Screenplay. Nolan will also get a Best Director nod. Eight months into 2010 and this has to be the favorite to WIN Best Picture, but with most Oscar Bait movies coming out in the fall/winter, that is subject to change. Regardless, with ten nominees now for the Oscar, Inception will still be up for the award. I’m sure we’ll see noms for cinematography, art direction, sound mixing, editing, sound editing, score, and visual effects. This movie is that huge. I don’t think anyone is a cinch for any acting nominations, but DiCaprio is always a contender and Gordon-Levitt, Marion Colliard, and Ellen Page might all have long shots in the supporting categories.
Nudity Alert: None

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She’s Out Of My League

July 8, 2010

This movie kind of came out of nowhere. Somehow, it hit theaters, went through its run, and came out on DVD without me ever knowing it even existed. Jay Baruchel’s star seems to be rising (as are most Judd Apatow affiliates), and he might even go blockbuster with this summer’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (it looks better than it sounds). That said, I’m not surprised to see him starring in a solid comedy. This movie isn’t hilarious by any means, but it certainly had its moments and was more enjoyable than I was expecting, considering a large lack of word-of-mouth.

“Oh fuck it, are you really not wearing any underwear….? Deb, we’re all thinking it.” This movie has some quotables in it for sure. The performances were decent for the most part. Something about Krysten Ritter (Jessie’s drug-addicted girlfriend on Breaking Bad) really does it for me. I think I love her. I’m not sure that Alice Eve is a “hard ten,” but I’ll give her a “strong eight.” Of course this movie has to have some sort of conflict, so Baruchel’s character has to go through the unbelievable arc of blowing it with his hot girlfriend. Let’s be real, if any of us sub-standard human beings landed a ten, nothing in our brain is going to convince us that we are not worthy of her. If anything, we’d have concerns about her cheating, but never would I consider myself unworthy.

I liked the movie. It’s good for what it is, but it’s not going to make a home in my DVD collection like some of the better comedies of the past few years. I’d recommend it… you probably won’t be disappointed, but if you decide to pass, it’s not the end of the world either.

Grade: C+

Viewings: 1

Replay Value: 1-2 viewings

Nudity Alert: None. How does an R-rated comedy featuring hot women not have any naked chicks? It’s a fair question, and with some nekkid ladies, this movie probably would jump to a B-

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2009 Movie Reviews Updated

February 6, 2010

I updated my 2009 Movie Reviews with grades for all the movies I can remember seeing in 2009. I added brief thoughts for most of the movies and the movies with no added thoughts can be clicked on for full reviews.

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Movie Reviews (7/18/2009)

August 5, 2009

Changeling (2008)

Angelina Jolie in an Oscar-nominated role in a film directed by Clint Eastwood? Sign me up. Based on a true story, the film is set in 1920s Los Angeles, a time when the LAPD is known for being corrupt, violent, and generally scumbaggish. Jolie plays Christine Collins, whose son disappears one day while she’s off running errands or something. After a few weeks, the police department finds a boy claiming to be Walter Collins and Christine takes him in despite realizing the boy is not her son. The film focuses on Christine’s battle with the police force and she eventually winds up in an LAPD-controlled insane asylum for her continued claims that her son is still missing. I’m surprised this film didn’t get more award attention… Jolie definitely deserved her nomination and Clint Eastwood has proven himself as one of the best filmmakers over the past decade. Grade: 7 out of 10 (Must See)

Gran Torino (2008)

Another Clint Eastwood film, this time the director stars as a recently widowed man stuck in his old fashioned racist ways as he takes a look around at his mostly ethnic neighbors. It’s a rare movie that can take racist slurs like “zipperhead” and “slopes” and turn them into terms of endearment, but by the end of the film, one forgets the negative connotations that come with such phrases. There’s no doubt about it, even at 80+ years old, Eastwood is still a bad ass. The two Asian teenagers also gave solid performances. I can imagine some people would be disappointed with the ending, but I thought it was pretty realistic given the circumstances. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie and it’s good enough that I’d add it to my collection. Grade: 7.5 out of 10 (Must See/Excellent)

Transformers 2: Rise Of The Fallen (2009)

I’m in the vast minority on this one, but I hated this movie. I expected the first film to be a disaster, but I wound up enjoying it for what it was: a solid, mindless action flick. The sequel starts off dope enough, with some good action sequences, but the last half of the film is filled with all sorts of unwanted plot development. I honestly didn’t even understand what was going on most of the time… or worse, I didn’t care. I just want to see robots fighting. I don’t want to see Indiana Jones Jr. searching for the lost relic, or whatever the hell they were looking for. I hated the movie so much, I ended up leaving in the middle of the finale because I had somewhere else to be. Shia LeBeouf is the new Vin Diesel: the star of a bunch of overhyped, shitty action movies. Grade: 3 out of 10 (Painful)

The Hangover (2009)

I wish someone would’ve dragged me to this movie on opening day. I had no intentions of ever seeing it. The previews looked kind of stupid to me, but I couldn’t ignore the tremendous word of mouth, from critics and audiences alike, it was getting. I was hearing ridiculous praise like “it’s the funniest movie of all-time,” so I had to go see what all the fuss was about. Unfortunately, I was late enough on seeing it that some of the best gags were already spoiled for me. Despite that, I definitely liked this comedy and while it might be a tad overhyped, the film is consistently funny and has enough repeat value that I’ll probably buy it when it comes out. There’s also a chance that it will grow on me like most comedies tend to do. With the exception of the groom-to-be, the cast was pretty damn funny and Zach Galifianakis as Alan was especially hilarious. This movie has a collective 8.2 out of 10 rating on www.imdb.com, good enough for the #171st highest rated movie of all-time. That’s a pretty generous ranking, but this movie was pretty dope. Oh, and a sequel is already in development. Can’t really see where they are going to go from here, but if it’s the same general team, sign me up. Grade: 7 out of 10 (Must See)

Rudy (1993)

Ironically, Rudy, one of the most praised sports films of all-time, doesn’t crack the top 250 all-time list on www.imdb.com. So essentially, the general populace says that The Hangover is the superior film. I can’t say I really agree with that (although, it’s not really fair to compare a movie that’s 2 months old to something that came out over 15 years ago). The story in Rudy is truly phenomenal and inspiring. Anyone lacking confidence in achieving their goals should watch this movie to remind themselves what is possible when someone truly chases their dreams. Sean Astin has been trying to establish a name for himself outside of this role ever since this movie came out. He does an excellent job in the film and really makes his character’s persistence shine through. Grade: 7.5 out of 10 (Must See)

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Rob Zombie’s Halloween: A Big Rant

June 29, 2009

I grew up on horror films. I was watching the A Nightmare On Elm Street and Friday The 13th franchises when I was as young as four. I idolized Freddy Krueger and Jason Vorhees more than Batman and Superman. I can’t explain my early fascination with these seemingly unstoppable and deformed serial killers, but it was my thing as a kid. It’s kind of sick to think back about it now. My parents probably questioned their leniency in the matter when they came home one day to find out that I chopped their kitchen counter to shit with a butcher knife. I’ll never be able to explain why I did that, but somehow I turned out to be a harmless human being anyways. For whatever reason, Halloween was the last classic horror franchise that I got into and it now stands as my favorite and Michael Myers is by far my top horror icon. While I’ll never be able to understand what it was like to see John Carpenter’s original film for the first time in the late 70s, I can still appreciate it as an iconic movie to this day and possibly the best in the genre. When I heard Rob Zombie was going to remake/re-imagine the Halloween series I had mixed emotions: on one hand, it’s better to leave the classics alone, but that’s a lost cause in today’s Hollywood; on the other hand, I felt like if anyone was going to take the reigns, Zombie was a good choice. I wasn’t expecting the subtle chilliness that made the original so scary or even for the remake to be a good overall film, but I figured Zombie would give us a solid slasher pic with plenty of gore and breathe life into a franchise that has been on life support for about a decade.

The first third of the film is painful to watch. I certainly didn’t expect Zombie to dive into Michael Myers’ childhood and attempt to provide a reasonable explanation for his murderous ways. No thanks. One of the scariest things about the original Michael was that there wasn’t a good explanation for his homicidal activity… something about him was just… pure evil. In Zombie’s version, he spends forty minutes accomplishing what the original film did before the opening credits. We are introduced to the Myers gang and between his stripper mother, deceased father, verbally abusive and alcoholic stand-in dad figure, and promiscuous older sister–plus the added bonus of school bullies–I think we are somehow supposed to understand why Michael Myers just had to go a little nutty. Does Zombie really expect us to empathize with this kid? If not, then what’s the point? If that wasn’t problematic enough, Michael was 5 or 6 in the original version and when he killed his sister, we were left with the impression that he didn’t really understand the severity of what he just did. In the 2007 version, Michael is 10, clearly understands death and the consequences of his actions, and murders four people before finally being locked away in Smith’s Grove. Ugh. The first part of this movie just makes me sick to think about. It’s the ultimate butchering of a classic. Michael Myers has dialogue. He kisses his baby brother (or sister, I don’t fucking know). He has long hair and looks like the raggedy outcast from The Mighty Ducks with the power slap shot. The little shit even puts on the classic inside out Shatner mask and parades around like a Mini-Me version of his future adult self. Hopefully we get to see an infant Freddy Krueger in a crib wearing a glove of knives and a fedora in the upcoming A Nightmare On Elm Street remake. I could really go on and on about how much this shit sucks.

And I will. Once at Smith’s Grove, we are subject to even more unnecessary character development. We are introduced to Malcolm McDowell as Professor Sam Loomis (played fantastically by the late Donald Pleasence in the original series), a child psychotherapist that watches helplessly as Michael slowly dissolves into social withdrawal and the sanctity of the masks he insists on wearing at all times. Again, too much time is wasted trying to explain something that is better off without explanation. None of these scenes mean anything and when Michael ultimately kills the nurse in charge of him (why someone would turn their back on a kid with four homicides under his belt to read a newspaper is beyond me) and his mother cracks under the pressure and commits suicide, I’m still as emotionless as Michael Myers should be. Despite all the added “development,” Loomis’ obsession with Myers doesn’t have nearly the impact that it did in the original series. It all leads up to one important question: Who fucking cares?

Fortunately, the movie takes a turn for the better once it jumps forward 15 years. In the meantime, Michael Myers has become a mute and Loomis has published a book describing Michael as “the devil.” For some reason, one of the hillbilly security guards at Smith’s Grove thinks it would be a good idea to invite his friend out to rape one of the female patients… in Michael’s room… while he is unbound, working on a mask at his desk, with his hands free. Yeah, it’s always smart to rile up a 6’9″ 250+ pound serial killer that looks like The Undertaker. Obviously, Myers escapes and we finally get to the meat of the movie. Danny Trejo plays a different security guard that has been watching over Michael for 17 years, developing a Dane Cook “thanks for the Snickers” relationship with the pyschopath, and I liked how Myers doesn’t hesitate for a second before drowning him and smashing his face in with a TV. That’s the Michael Myers I know and love.

The rest of the movie plays out pretty similarly to the original. Lots of stalking his sister, Carpenter’s classic score, and ghastly death scenes. Scout Taylor-Compton isn’t nearly the actress Jamie Lee Curtis is and her Laurie Strode is kind of bland. It’s kind of dope to see Danielle Harris in a role. She played 10 year old Jamie Lloyd in Halloween 4 and Halloween 5 and returns in the new franchise as Laurie’s friend Annie Brackett. She’s such a good sport, that she even goes topless for several minutes while being chased by Myers.

All in all, Halloween is a pretty good remake once you get past the first forty minutes or so. Taylor Mane is a beast and makes Michael Myers more intimidating and scary than he ever was. I really liked the look of the mask in this movie too. I just hated the first third of this film so much that it kind of leaves of sour taste in my mouth. Thankfully, in Zombie’s upcoming sequel, we won’t have to wade through any corny background story and can get right into Michael Myers in beast mode. I’m looking forward to it.

Grade: 5 out of 10 (worth watching)

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